How many months have I been writing this blog with very very little along the lines of a depressive episode? At least 4, I think. Four glorious months of the upside with only minor bumps along the way - like everyone has. Like a "normal" person has.
But, as the synopsis of the blog itself suggests, I do struggle with a mood disorder and it was bound to worm its way into writing here at some juncture.
It so happens that I am taking that deep breath today, and coming face to face, in public, with that which makes me who I am. I have a runaway brain, after all. And it spent the last week running out of control.
What is it like to have your mind play tricks on you? To tell you that people are out to hurt you when they are not. To tell you that you are worthless when you are not (it's even hard to write that.. am I worthless? The demons are still there, laughing at me. they are calling my bluff.
What is that like..? It is like a cold, relentless rain. It is like a nightmare from which you can't force yourself awake. It is as exhausting as a funeral. As lonely as heartbreak. As fearsome as a face at the window in the night. As heavy as a sick child. As blinding as fog.
Mostly, it is misunderstood.
My suffering scalds deeper into my bones the longer it lasts, for the longer it lasts the more it starts to affect others. At first it only damages me, and that part is hard enough. However, as its corrosive influence spreads I can't stop it from eating through my veneer. Surely and stubbornly it starts to burn the people I love.
Like a returning cancer, it freezes everyone involved before the firey pain starts. Fear, wonderment, trepidation. What will this be like? Can we make it through? Paralysis, at first. It can't be back. But it is back. Here it is again. Buckle your seatbelts.
Unlike a patient with a returning cancer, though, this disease has no community. No one sends flowers. No one knows exactly what to do or even to say. Some people react with anger. Some with outright fear. Everyone wishes that Sherri could just be her charming self again - why isn't she being her charming self, and what did we do to deserve this???
It is isolation - and isolation is what the disease craves in order to grow. I can't explain how badly I want to be alone when this happens. I want to be alone so badly that I imagine digging a hole and getting into it. it seems rational. Why not? I don't want food. I don't want sympathy. I don't want warmth or love or comfort. I just want to take myself away from the eyes of the people who love me.
Robert Louis Stevenson is rumoured to have been a manic depressive. I can see that he understands the impact of the disease, at least, in his classic Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde. The beast knows he is hideous and destructive. He tries to keep himself locked away, out of the way of harming anyone he loves. I identify with that.
As it happens I cannot lock myself away any more than can Mr. Hyde. I am out here in the world with a family, with the capability (unfortunately) of answering the telephone and responding to emails. And BAM. Before I know it I've given a good bite to someone. I've given people a reason to scratch their heads and wonder about me. Some are caring and loving. But I know from experience that they won't be for long. I can outlast anyone. The demons will try and deliver me from love wherever I find it.
My mother labeled me. I am "impossible. ungrateful. hateful. negative." Even today she will tell me that she's failed me. She tells me that maybe if she'd been a better mother I wouldn't be such a horrible, unhappy, judgmental person. For my own health I can no longer speak with her. She never stops. Never. I can be crying and sorrowful and still she will tell me what a bad girl I am. She is amazed that anyone can love me, she says, and feels sorry for my daughter that she has me for a mother.
It is a difficult thing to try and get out of your mind. If my own mother says that, how can it not be true?
My husband has known me ten years. He assures me that even with my disease I am a loving, positive, warm, caring, beautiful person. My daughter tells me how much she has enjoyed having me as a mother - even when I was a single mother. She even says that she hopes *she* will be a single mother so that she and her daughter might grow to be as close and she and I are.
I thank God for those two people. Living legacies that I am not bad to the core.
But the demons try and tell me that to believe in myself is delusional. They tell me that the world would be better without me. They tempt me to hurt myself. They are all consuming at times - and it is like a whirlpool of bad memories, regrets, guilt and shame. I struggle against the pull as hard as I can. I sleep to escape them. I am a mother! I am needed! I have a good brain when it is working on my side, and I have a lot to give! I cannot believe them, not now. Maybe later, maybe when my responsibilities are through. I put them off because I can't kill them outright.
I do wonder, though. I have battled them for years and years and years, and I do get weary. I wonder - will I ever get too tired to fight? Will they eventually win? That is my biggest fear.
When the demons have a hold of me, I am so close to losing complete control. How mad is mad? How do you stop a runaway brain?
4 comments:
I can understand your pain. You are needed, you are loved. You are a VIP. A few physical things you may have tried or not. Cut way back on the caffeine. get out and Walk. You have to exercise, period. Do not sit and get crabby with your self in the house, get out side. Watch the alcohol usage ( if any ), it will trigger depression, get in a church you like. God has been my support , and my guide for years. Not metaphysics, God, Jesus.
Stop looking inside ( yourself ) , and start looking outside ( your life ). Your daughter NEEDS you, your husband NEEDS you, your mother probably needs you , you have great value.
when the demons come, hit delete in your brain, say STOP...and REFOCUS. Every minute. Take one day at a time. You can do it Sherri. Not in your own strength, but in God's strength. Ask Him to help. It may not be immediate, but He will come to you. Chin up , Gina
Gina, thank you.
You have a wonderful capacity for understanding, and an energy to be involved that is enviable. I believe that people who have you in their lives are blessed.
I just saw your new posting. Do you ever notice that the depression starts to come when the darker season starts to settle in? Or after you've been working really hard and not sleeping? Sometimes those are triggers for people. Whatever the cause, I absolutely feel your pain and I hope that this is a short episode. It's not something you can help, by the way. It's a chemical thing that your body does in the same way as other illnesses. You aren't bad or evil or unlovable. Those voices can be oh, so convincing, but it isn't true. You're lucky to have two wonderful people in your life and a great talent. Use those resources to help you. Take care.
Yes, seasonal changes do tend to be danger zones for an episode - This is a particularly bad time of year with the plants all withering away and the days getting shorter, the nights colder.
Stress, too - any family stress sends me spiraling. Sometimes only for a day. Sometimes longer.
Thank you for your kindness & words of encouragement. I know you are right - but as you say the voices are amazing pitchmen. :)
I have pulled up now, and today was a day of recovery.
If you do experience this as well then you'll know that you need a couple of days to 'come out of it' even after the blackness recedes.
I'm going to be okay.
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